You’re in the back seat of the family car. Mom and Dad up front. Your brother just took your GI Joe and you’re done. At breakfast, he ate your bacon while you were in the bathroom and thought it was funny. He’s a pain in the butt. The only thing holding you back is your baby sister asleep between you and potential consequences from the front seat. But you’re right. He’s wrong, and you’re tired of his crap.

Fast forward 40 years. Now, you’re a beneficiary of Mom and Dad’s estate along with your five siblings. You get along with your older brother now, but your sister doesn’t, and the three youngest have their own dynamics—and spouses. It’s a bit more complicated. Plus, the estate attorney just notified everyone of a letter received from your little brother’s attorney. Things are getting dicey. Feels like the back seat of the car again, but Mom and Dad aren’t in the front anymore. In fact, no one’s driving, and you’re careening toward a cliff.

The Litigation Cliff

Before you know it, attorney letters are flying at $350-$500 per hour. Motions and filings start to mount up. Then more attorney letters and filings about who’s paying for the attorney letters, motions, and filings, and the estate attorney bill grows and grows. Less money for everyone. It’s a big, fat Gordian knot no one seems able or willing to unravel.

When an estate has issues it can’t reconcile, a judge may order mediation. In some states and jurisdictions, mediation is required before litigation can proceed. When court-ordered mediation is mandated, positions may be deeply entrenched and more difficult to work through.

But there’s another option. Heirs can say:

“You know, this is stupid. Attorney’s fees are chipping away at the estate. Everyone’s getting angrier. Relationships are suffering. Let’s find a neutral and mediate.”

You don’t have to wait for the court.

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a form of Alternative Dispute Resolution in which parties voluntarily agree to meet with a mediator, or “neutral,” to reach an agreement on disputed matters. Mediation is voluntary, so there is no pressure or mandate to agree.

If parties don’t agree, they’re back where they started, minus mediation costs.

One can easily compare the costs of ongoing litigation to the costs of mediation.

Alternate Dispute Resolution

Potential litigation costs may sway the sides to consider an alternative way. Also, consider what taking it to court may do to the family. You’re likely not going to get the satisfaction you’re seeking. Litigation is a gut-wrenching experience and wreaks havoc on families.

Unless you’re experienced with the legal process, you might think litigation is an event. It’s not. It’s a process filled with claims and counterclaims, filings and delays, tactics and gamesmanship. Just when you think you’re close, you’re not. “We’re going to court today to get this settled.” Sorry, but “LOL.” Not bloody likely.

You’re more likely to walk out of the courtroom with less control, more damaged relationships, and feeling more aggrieved. Plus, what’s 6 hours x $500? Plus, travel time? Plus, prep and follow-up hours? Assuming you can get things settled this time.

The alternative path: sitting down, getting a little uncomfortable, conceding this and that, accepting this and that in return, and being heard. The best mediators make sure all voices are heard.

It may seem hard. Choose your hard.

What’s also at Stake?

How weird is it going to get? You may think the relationship with your sibling has already sailed irretrievably over the edge. We hope not. But what about the next generation? What about the cousins? What about the family as a whole moving ahead? Estate disputes have a nasty way of damaging family ties irreparably.

Let’s just say it:

The estate settlement phase is a difficult time for a family and individuals. The family is inexorably changed. The context is new; there’s a void, and everyone grieves differently. We’re simply not at our best.

As a family reconvenes to sort out the estate, individual expectations are in play, hardwired relationship dynamics reprise, and it’s emotional. Even the healthiest relationships can be tested under these circumstances.

Conclusion

But you’re right; your spoiled little brother is wrong, and you’re tired of his crap. 

Bear in mind—righteous indignation is a big expense.

The fantasy of the judge banging the gavel and pronouncing that you were right all along, your brother is an idiot, and the redemption you seek for everything from the bacon to the recent disruption in your life isn’t coming.